


sorry, ( no ) blame ( one ) it ( had ) all ( his ) on ( back ) me

by smartbuckley



Series: Buddie Tumblr Prompts [16]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: But Not a Family, Eddie POV, Emotionally Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Firehouse 118 Family (9-1-1), Getting Together, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Miscommunication, POV Evan "Buck" Buckley, Panic Attacks, Team Dynamics, mean family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:59:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22262977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smartbuckley/pseuds/smartbuckley
Summary: A member of another fire-fighting station makes the wrong call, and Buck gets blamed for it, with no one on his team allowing him to stand up for himself. Having enough of being walked over, Buck decides to change stations, with the 118 realizing too late that he's serious.  Months pass, with Eddie hearing nothing from Buck - until he receives a call from Buck, who is at the hospital, injured on a call.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: Buddie Tumblr Prompts [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1528010
Comments: 21
Kudos: 444
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	sorry, ( no ) blame ( one ) it ( had ) all ( his ) on ( back ) me

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this is it, folks. My 100th fic posted onto my account, which is kind of big for me - not so much this fandom, lmao. Only 30 or so for the fandom. _Anyways_. This story was based off two different prompts, listed down below. I hope you guys enjoy the story, and remember, it's not edited.
>
>> _buck is blamed for something that he didn’t do and once again the whole team alienates him. He isn’t allowed to explained himself but he holds on to hope that it will blow over like last time. But things get so bad that at a team dinner, he snaps at the others and says he might as well transfer since they made it clear he is no longer family. He winds up having a panic attack and the other realize that they were wrong_  
>   
>  _I have an idea for a prompt? Instead of returning to the 118 when reinstated, Buck is assigned to another department (either the chief decides this, or it's Bobby's choice). Fast forward a few months with no contact, and they hear that Buck's been hurt on the job due to negligence by his new partner. Cue them trying to get him back at the 118 where he belongs, and a much needed reunion between Buddie. Extra love for any Bobby/Buck father/son moments._.

He doesn’t remember when it happened, or how it happened, just that it  _ had _ happened, and all the while on the truck ride home, everyone had been looking at him like he had done something wrong. He knew in his jellies that he hadn’t done anything wrong, that it was someone on the other team, from the other station, that had made the mistake that had cost the life of a civvie and Buck -- Buck didn’t know how he could tell everyone what had really happened without it looking like he wasn’t accepting the blame.

Because that’s what this was, he realizes, as the truck loads up at the 118, doors opening and slamming shut, the anger in the air obvious while Buck leaves slowly, body tense. All of his teammates, people he considered family, were blaming him for the death of the kid that had happened, and Buck didn’t know how to deal with that, how to even feel about it, either, admittedly. 

He takes a few breaths, hopes he can talk to the others about what happened before he steps out of the truck and moves forward, grabbing a few items he needs to put in the inventory closet, taking another breath when he notices a few people glaring at him. He’s wracked with nerves over the glares, but he doesn’t let himself fall into the pattern of insecurities, putting away the inventory and then making his way up the stairs, letting out a small breath as he looks around the room.

He can’t stop the frown from forming on his face when he realizes that Chim Hen, Bobby and even Eddie aren’t looking at him, and he’s so damn confused, doesn’t understand  _ why _ , opens and closes his mouth a few times before clearing his throat.

“You guys--” Buck begins only for Bobby to look up at him with a glare.

“Not now, Buckley. I need to fill out a report because of your mistake. You’re on scut for the rest of the shift,” Bobby snaps and Buck can’t stop the full body flinch at those words, taking a few steps backwards as he looks around the room, hoping that someone will come to his defense somehow, only to feel disappointment when everyone continues to avoid his eyes. 

“Now, Buckley,” Bobby snaps, and Buck nods, snapping his mouth shut before he turns around and heads down the stairs, feeling like he’s a tightrope, ready to snap.

* * *

The next week of shifts continue to go by relatively the same. Buck gets relegated to scut work once more, so similar to what it was like after the lawsuit that he can’t help but wonder if he stepped back into time. Every time he tries to tell Bobby, or Eddie, or  _ anyone _ what happened, he’s ignored or snapped at, told that his voice doesn’t matter and Buck --

Buck can’t continue like this again, and certainly not for as long as he did the last time. He’s slowly beginning to feel like he can’t escape from work, from the people he thought would be there for him - slowly starting to feel like no matter what he does, whether it’s right or wrong, the 118 is just waiting for an excuse to ditch him for good, and everything about that thought hurts Buck in a way he doesn’t want to think about but can’t stop thinking about.

It’s been a week, and all he can think about is how alone he feels on the job right now. He doesn’t have his best friend, and even Hen is ignoring him alongside everyone else, something he didn’t think would ever happen, especially after the lawsuit, when Hen had told him she had forgiven him.

It was like this, all over again, but worse, Buck thinks, as he plays with settings on his phone, his mind unable to think about the call he had just finished with the head of the department while he sits in front of the lockers. They had opened an investigation into the death of the kid, wanted him to come in and explain what had happened, that his captain had asked them to investigate and Buck --

Buck could have sworn his entire heart landed in his stomach when he had heard those words. Bobby had asked him to be investigated and he was only just finding out about it now. Bobby had lost faith in him to the point that he was being investigated, and there was nothing he could do about it.

So lost in thought, Buck hadn’t heard the call for dinner, but he knew it wouldn’t matter, as everyone on the team had made it clear he hadn’t been welcome in the past week. And Buck - Buck realized that he didn’t have to deal with this.

The phone call he had finished had been enlightening, that was for sure, he thinks, remembering the words of the head of department. They had learned the truth about what happened by asking the guy from the other team, and had told Buck that he was fine to continue working and Buck --

Buck didn’t want to continue working. Not at the 118, he realizes. Not when the team treats him the way they are, and especially not when they look for any little reason to do so. He doesn’t know how much time has passed since the phone call, or the call to dinner but slowly, Buck stood up from his spot and let out a small breath before making his way to the dining area upstairs, ignoring the way the entire room quiets down when he’s first seen.

Taking another breath, deeper than the one before, he takes a step forward and looks towards Bobby with narrowed eyes. They’re ignoring him, continuing to talk like he’s not there and Buck - Buck knows he’s doing the right thing, especially after what the head had said earlier.

“Captain Nash,” he says, back straight. He knows everyone is paying attention to him now, not because he’s speaking, but because of how he started the conversation, and a part of him wanted to scoff, but he continues instead, trying his hardest to take another breath.

“The head of the fire department will be calling you soon with this information, but I thought you would like to hear it from me directly. They have cleared me of all fault from the girl’s death, the one at fault having come clean a few days ago. However, I find that I am no longer wanted here, so I have requested to move to a different station. Bosko will be taking my place, and I’ll be taking hers at the 136, effective immediately,” Buck finishes, taking another breath as his heart pounds hard and fast inside his chest. He wants to move his hand up and rub it, but he doesn’t want to show any weakness, so he stops himself from doing that and takes another breath, watching Bobby carefully. The room is quiet, but Bobby acts like he hadn’t heard a word that was said, and Buck can only nod his head in acknowledgement before he takes another breath.

“My locker is cleared out and Bosko should be arriving shortly. Good bye,” he finishes, nodding his head once more before turning around and walking down the stairs, wishing someone would come and stop him from leaving but knowing that no one cares enough to do so, a thought that fires through his heart and has him stumbling down the rest of the stairs and to the locker room, where he grabs his duffel and heads towards his Jeep.

By the time he makes it to his jeep, Buck - Buck feels like he can’t breath, even as he pulls himself up into it, resting his head against the steering wheel immediately, taking in deep breaths as best as he can while he tries not to let out a sob.

No one came, no one followed, and Buck --

Buck had the truth revealed to him in that moment, he realizes. And the truth hurts like a damn bitch, he thinks, hand moving to start his car.

* * *

Time seemed to pass by slowly for the 118. The day that Buck had told them he was changing stations, none of them found themselves believing it, frozen in surprise as they had all stared at Bobby, not sure what to do next as Buck walked out, believing they’d see him later. It wasn’t until Bosko had walked through the station, shouting for them, that they had realized what Buck had said had been extremely true, and each and every member had seen the flash of guilt on another’s face when they realized it. Eddie had, in that moment, ran down the stairs as fast as he could, opening his locker and grabbing his phone, hating that he had put it away this one time before attempting to call Buck, his heart falling when there was no answer — not even Buck’s answering machine giving him anything. 

He had tried a few times, but each time that call hadn’t been picked up and Eddie hadn’t received the option of sending something through to the voicemail that he  _ knew  _ Buck had available, and something about that had torn through Eddie’s heart, like he couldn’t stop himself from letting it be broken at the thought that he had fucked up so bad this time around that Buck was gone, and probably for good.

He had even left the building, making his way towards Buck’s apartment on knocking on the door, hating the fact that he no longer had Buck’s key in his wallet, knowing the other man was inside, hearing the movement from within, but not answering him.

That had been three months ago, and Eddie -- no matter how hard the man tried, he couldn’t get in contact with Buck, even when Buck was talking to Christopher. He had tried -- damn, did Eddie try so damn hard to get Buck to talk to him, not just Christopher, but Buck was doing a very good job at avoiding him and ignoring him and while Eddie knew it was everything he deserved and more, it hurt like hell that he was getting this kind of treatment.

The time had passed by slowly for Eddie though, and no matter how hard he tried, he knew that he would have to keep trying to get Buck to understand how damn sorry he was for everything. And he had the perfect plan for it, in such a Buck movement, that he knew the younger man would be proud of him if it was for anyone else.

And now he was working, with Bosko as his partner instead of Buck, like it should have been and Eddie absolutely  _ hated _ it. He hated not talking to his best friend, the man he had fallen in love with so hard and fast that he was blindsided by the feelings that were brought up. He hated feeling like no one had his back but most importantly, Eddie hated knowing that Buck was out there, on his own, without Eddie to watch  _ his _ back. Who knew if Buck had gotten injured or hurt while on a job, because Eddie certainly didn’t, even when he went to Buck’s when he could to try and get him to talk to Eddie.

They were on a call, heading towards the address when Eddie’s phone rang, surprising him out of his thoughts and causing him to frown as he looks down, heart racing in his chest. The ringtone is the one he set for Buck, one he hadn't heard in so damn long that Eddie can only stare at his phone, eyes wide before he shakes his head and sucks back a breath and answers the call, biting his lower lip briefly.

“Buck?” He questions, his voice trembling with the thought of hearing his best friend’s voice in three months, waiting patiently, feeling like the wait is an eternity. He can feel everyone turning to look at him, not realizing that Bobby has stopped the truck in front of the address they needed to be at.

“Buck, are you --” Eddie says one more time, taking a deep breath when he hears Buck whimper. Part of him wanted to exit the truck and run to Buck’s apartment, but he doesn’t know if Buck is there, doesn’t know what’s going on, and he  _ hates _ it.

“I uh - do you think you can stop by the hospital? I need --  _ Eddie _ ,” Buck whispers, ending his name with a sob and Eddie can’t stop the way he sits up completely, ignores everyone around him as he tells Buck that he’ll be there, shift be damned. He  _ knows _ everyone is frowning at him, Bobby included, and looking up at his cap, he can’t stop his eyes from pleading with the older man, begging to be able to go, a small breath of relief escaping from him when Bobby nods and starts the car, calling dispatch briefly.

He doesn’t hear what Bobby says, not one bit, but the truck is pulling out as another pulls in and moving away from the scene, and Eddie -- Eddie is grateful for Bobby in this moment, if only so he can get to Buck faster. 

“Buck, what -- what happened?” Eddie asks, shifting in the seat as he presses his phone closer to his ear, wanting to hear everything, Buck’s voice sounding  _ tiny _ across the phone waves.

“I uh - was on a scene, and went to - the third level, and it wasn’t completely secure and --” Buck trails off and Eddie can feel his heart plummeting into his stomach because his biggest fear since Buck had left had come true, and he  _ hates _ it even more than ever right now.

“And I got injured, and it’s not anything too bad - a few days away from work, but -- I just -- I really need you man,” Buck whispers and before Eddie can even respond, Buck is continuing on, “And I heard you. Every night you came over, I heard you through the door man, and I’m so sorry I didn’t let you in, and --”

“Buck, no, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was such an asshole, and I became closed off with you. You deserved better than that, and none of us realized it until it was too late and --”

“What hospital is he at, Eddie?” Bobby interrupts and Buck must hear him through the other end of the phone, because he’s responding back and Eddie’s answering it for him and --

“I just need to see you, man,” Eddie whispers and he hears Buck respond, something settling deep within him at the response. He can feel everyone’s eyes on him still but he continues to ignore the feeling, letting out a soft breath as he tilts his head back and closes his eyes.

“We’re on our way, Buck. We’ll be there soon, and --” Eddie blows out a breath, not sure what else he could say.

“Eddie,” Buck whispers and Eddie hums, not sure what Buck wants to say but curious regardless.

“I wish it was you there with me on the scene. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be in the hospital if that was the case,” Buck whispers and Eddie -- Eddie doesn’t know what to say to that, just that he finds himself smiling a little, heart pounding as he blows out another breath, still not sure what he could say in the moment.

“I wish I was there too, Buck. Because I wouldn’t have let you get hurt,” Eddie admits and he ignores the hum he hears coming from Buck, shifting a little.

“I know man. I’ll uh, see you soon?” Buck asks and Eddie nods, before letting out another breath, remembering that Buck won’t be able to see him.

“Yeah, man. Soon,” Eddie says before hanging up the phone and closing his eyes, waiting.

* * *

He doesn’t know how much time has passed before he’s opening his eyes after hearing Bobby tell him they’re at the hospital. He feels sluggish, looking towards Bobby with narrowed eyes as he realizes everyone else has already left the truck and made their way towards the hospital, inside and waiting for them.

“Diaz,” Bobby says and Eddie looks towards his captain with a frown, hand coming up to rub at his face as he lets out another breath, and looks at his captain, not sure what the other man wants him to say.

“What’s going on in your head, Eddie?” Bobby questions and Eddie finds himself letting out another breath as he closes his eyes, trying to find a way to answer his captain without letting out too much of his feelings, not until he sees Buck with his own two eyes, he thinks.

“Nothing, cap,” Eddie eventually responds, standing up partially and removing himself from the truck, another breath escaping from him as he makes his way towards the doors of the hospital himself, nerves coursing through his entire system. He can see Hen and Chim looking at him carefully, Bosko looking away from him like she feels awkward and Eddie just - does not care, too busy trying to find a service desk he can go to so he can find out where Buck is.

“Eddie,” he hears Bobby say, voice raised in the quiet of the hospital, causing the man to cringe and shake his head. He doesn’t want to deal with whatever questions Bobby has for him, just wants to see Buck, just wants to make sure his best friend is okay.

“Bobby, can we not --” Eddie begins before he can feel his arm being grabbed, his body being swung towards Bobby, causing Eddie to scowl and look at his captain with a small glare.

“You know this isn’t your fault, right?” Bobby questions and Eddie - Eddie can’t help but scowl even more, shaking his head and yanking his arm away. Of course Bobby doesn’t understand, Eddie thinks, doesn’t realize, no doubt, and Eddie - Eddie can’t handle this.

“Damn it, Cap, he’s hurt, and he’s hurt because his partner didn’t have his back. I would’ve had his back, so yeah, I blame myself, cap,” Eddie shouts, hands becoming fists as Chimney and Hen look between the two of them carefully. He knows he shouldn’t have shouted, knows his emotions are getting to him and he’s going to end up regretting it but he looks at Bobby and shakes his head, another breath escaping from him.

“Cap, please. I need to see him before I even --” He breathes out and letting out a sigh of relief when Bobby nods. Eddie doesn’t waste another second, moving towards the desk and asking for Buck, thankful when the nurse gives him the room number right away.

He doesn’t run - knows how insane he’d look if he was running - but it definitely feels like it, seems like it, because in no time, he’s at Buck’s room and through the doorway, a sigh of relief escaping from him when he sees Buck in the hospital bed, bandaged but looking somewhat okay. 

“Buck,” he whispers, nearly falling into the nearest chair next to Buck’s bed, grabbing his best friend’s hand when Buck opens his eyes and turns to look at him.

“Eddie.” Buck whispers, shifting, his fingers interlacing with Eddie’s and Eddie lets out a small chuckle, unable to even believe that this is happening. 

“Hey, Buck,” Eddie whispers, moving forward and squeezing Buck’s hands, eyes taking stock of Buck as quickly as he can without being awkward about it. The two of them watch one another for a few minutes, staying quiet before Eddie lets out a small chuckle and looks at Buck carefully.

“Man, Buck, I can’t -- I can’t do this shit again, man. I can’t have you not in my life, worrying about you and then--” Eddie begins and then ends with a shake of his head, heart trilling at the way Buck moves forward and runs one of his hands through Eddie’s hair, a soft smile forming on his face. This is something new with them, something that has been growing for a long time now, and he knows that they’re going to have to talk more fully about what they’re feeling and what they’re doing together, but right now --

“Eddie, Eddie, I know how you feel. I hated being out there and not out there with  _ you _ . Every time you visited, I wanted to let you in --”

“Why didn’t you?”

“I was  _ terrified _ , Eddie. I deserved the anger and hurt at first but the blame of that little girl’s death, and how  _ no one _ thought to let me tell my side of the event - it made me feel like everyone was just waiting for an excuse to leave me, like everyone else,” Buck whispers and Eddie can feel his heart in his stomach and his throat, and he has no idea how he can even begin to apologize to Buck for the hell everyone put him through, Eddie included. Moving forward, Eddie removes his hand from Buck’s and then runs his fingers through Buck’s hair, resting their foreheads together while kissing Buck lightly, a small smile on his face.

“I have no idea how I can tell you how sorry I am Buck,” Eddie begins, voice barely raised to whisper, closing his eyes briefly before continuing, “How sorry I am for making you feel like that, for not letting you speak, for -- everything, man. And I don’t have those words, but I  _ promise _ you, with everything I have, that I will show you every chance you let me, how sorry I am.” Eddie finishes, and he swears he can feel his heart rising when Buck moves forward himself and kisses Eddie back. The kiss is slow, and by all means, nothing special to anyone who would see it occurring but to Eddie, and Buck, the kiss is  _ everything  _ to them. Eddie doesn’t know how much time passes while they two of them kiss, but eventually Buck pulls away and rests his forehead against Eddie’s and smiles in response, and Eddie - Eddie feels like everything is finally clicking into place.

“I know you’re sorry, Eddie. Man, I knew you were sorry when you kept coming to my door and asking to see me through it,” Buck whispers and Eddie lets out a small chuckle, nodding his head briefly, realizing his actions have proved a lot to his best friend. Unthinkingly, he places his hands around Buck’s neck, caresses the spot between his neck and his shoulder and closes his eyes, breathing in the younger man and smiling.

“What next, Buck?” Eddie questions, staring at Buck before he moves his body backwards, needing some space, but continuing to have his hand touching Buck’s wrist, needing some form of contact with his best friend.

“Pretty simple - I heal up, get the hell out of here and then you come home with me, or I go home with you, and we talk shit out about us, because I definitely want there to be a us, and -- well, we’ll figure it out, man,” Buck finishes and Eddie just wants to move forward and kiss Buck, but instead, he smiles once more, nodding his head.

“The others are here, no doubt wanting to say hi to you, tell you you’re welcome to come back to the station,” Eddie says, watching Buck carefully, noticing the moment the insecurity Buck has rears its ugly head.

“Would -- am I even wanted?” Buck asks, voice wobbling a little, but before Eddie can respond --

“Absolutely, Buckaroo,” Hen responds, and Eddie turns towards the door, not surprised when everyone but Bosko is leaning in it, looking like they just want to run into the room and hug Buck. Eddie is so damn thankful that they didn’t just barge in, if only because he doesn’t want everyone knowing his vulnerable spots, and looking towards Buck, Eddie finds himself even more thankful that Buck understands him without a word.

“Can we come in?” Chim asks, looking between Buck and Eddie, and their hands, and the moment Buck nods, Eddie finds himself shifting towards the bed, arm wrapping around Buck’s frame, legs twisting so that they’re tangled with Buck’s carefully, a small grin forming on Eddie’s face while they shift together, a small laugh bursting from Buck when it takes them a few minutes longer to comfortable together. When they finally do, Eddie looks at Buck and then looks at everyone else, waiting for whatever comes next.

When the silence stretches a little too long, Eddie finds himself clearing his throat, arching one of his eyebrows while looking at everyone else, trying not to laugh when everyone jolts in surprise, opening and closing their mouths with explanations that neither of them can hear, though by the way Buck flushes, the words he does hear are…. Something that Eddie really wants to look deeper into.

Looking away, Eddie watches as everyone in their family manages to stop talking after a few minutes, wondering what’s going through everyone’s minds. After a few minutes of continuous silence, Eddie’s eyes wander towards Bobby, who has stepped forward to the end of the bed and squeezed Buck’s foot, a small frown on his face, clear to all.

“Buck, you are always going to be welcomed back to the station. We want you back - hell, we’ve come to realize, over the past few months, that without you, the station isn’t the same.” Bobby begins and Eddie finds himself nodding in acknowledgement, noticing everyone else is also nodding, realizing how true the words Bobby is saying are.

“We were fools. We acted foolish, and we made huge mistakes, and just like Eddie said, we’re going to do everything we can to show you how sorry we are, bud,” Bobby adds and Eddie turns towards Buck, watches him open and close his mouth like he has no idea how to respond to that and Eddie - Eddie knows Buck  _ doesn’t _ know how to respond to that, and the realization hurts Eddie way more than it should.

“You guys -- you don’t --” Buck begins, before stopping and closing his eyes, breathing in and out for a few minutes before he looks back at everyone and nods.

“I have a week off. I uh - I’ll get the transfer papers started to go back to the 118 but -- you guys really hurt me, and made me doubt a lot about myself, and I don’t --” Buck pauses once more, rubbing his eyes while Eddie squeezes his one hand, unable to stop himself or the guilt coursing through him over the part he played. 

“It will take time, to trust you all again, but you’re forgiven, you have to know that,” Buck finishes with a whisper and Eddie wonders if everyone can hear his heart beating in his chest, if he’s being completely obvious over everything he’s feeling, but he doesn’t have time to think about that, not when Hen and Chim and even Bobby are moving forward to hug Buck, and he has to move out of the way quickly so he doesn’t get squashed. He doesn’t go far though, not wanting to lose sight or touch of Buck. 

But even during the hug, Buck looks at him and all Eddie can think about at this moment is that right now, everything’s okay. Sure, the entire team needs to be rebuilt, trust needs to be regrown, but right now, he knows that everything is okay, because his family is whole again, with Buck at his side instead of elsewhere. 

**Author's Note:**

> As always, let me know your thoughts on the story. You can also come yell at me on my tumblr, smartbuckley. If I missed any tags, please let me know.


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